Throw Open the Gate

Whitney Freya’s Garden

Whitney Freya’s Garden

We called to her. 

We’ve been calling to her since she arrived. 

Calling her name for days. 

We’ve sent our message on the breeze, tangled with our scent of musky earth, spicy geranium, wild rose and sweet berries. 

We whispered in her ear with our intoxicating scents.

We blew at the nape of her neck.

Come… return… rewild… wake up… 

She didn’t listen, swatted us away like a pesky gnat.

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 We gathered forces, stirring our own potency.

The wild roses began to sway, the spicy geranium danced and twirled. The black berries fermented themselves into an intoxicating potion. The musky earth had an orgasm that shook the entire garden.

We all danced and swayed, drunk on the elixir of fermented berries.

We howled.

We sang her name.

And called to her over and over…

The woman stirred… confusion, then curiosity crossing her face. 
Her nostrils fill with the intoxicating scent of the wild over-grown garden.

She turns towards the garden.

 We feel her! We feel her moving towards us!

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There!

There she is! 

Closer… closer… wiping the sleep from her eye, shaking the fog from her head.

 

The moment is here! 

We know we cannot let this moment pass. We gather all our strength… 
and in complete harmony and total imperfection… 
we begin to dance! 

We dance the dance of the lost women. 
We dance until the entire garden is a frenzy .

of wild passion… 
of love… 
of heart… 
of remembering…

We dance what the woman has lost. We dance for what the woman yearns and aches for…

We dance!
 
Whispers become howls.
Howls become laughter.
Laughter falls all around the garden like petals caught on a summer breeze .

Throw Open the Gate, a Wild Over-Grown Garden Awaits Your Attention.

Will you enter?

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The Big Bang- Outside of Goldendale, Wa

Woman in a rented Red Jeep Cherokee

Woman in a rented Red Jeep Cherokee

Somewhere in Southern Washington there is a fine dusting of myself scattered all along the highway. I was blown into a thousand bits of light in the flash of an instant. It is amazing how quickly a life can blow apart.

Traveling down Hwy 97 winding in and out of rolling sagebrush hills in a rented Red Jeep Cherokee. The warm spicey scent of sage, earth and desert floating in through the vents. The sun casting its golden long light that signals the shift from day to night. I had no clue, no warning as to my impending release.

Sagebrush covered hillside, Hwy 97

Sagebrush covered hillside, Hwy 97

 I exploded, I burst into a thousand flecks of light. My own personal Big Bang. All my cells liberated from matter, sailing off in all directions. Heavier particles landing in the nearby sagebrush, others left there on the highway probably being run over by semi-trucks hauling through the long night. The finer particles, perhaps the best of me, still airborne caught on the warm scented breeze. Where are those pieces? Still floating, dispersing further and further from the point of impact, the point of liberation.

And yet, I am still here, telling you this tale. But it happened. I felt both the explosion into light AND the intense focus as my Red Jeep Cherokee heaved her ass-end around a semi-truck with barely five car lengths to spare.

What would the police report say? “Red Jeep Cherokee crossed the centerline into oncoming traffic, didn’t veer from her course. Exploded into a thousand multicolored sparks of light. Witness’s state it was a sight to behold. One woman described it like Independence Day and another like the first time she took acid.”

What do I recall? 
Red Jeep Cherokee traveling 50 mph, reducing speed. Stuck behind a southbound semi-truck going downhill on Hwy 97, thirty miles north of Goldendale, Washington. Broken yellow line signals it is safe to pass. 

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Uphill traffic has two lanes. Long stretch of highway with no traffic. An uphill northbound climbing semi-truck and a northbound White Car With Lights On at the bottom of the hill. 

Red Jeep Cherokee crosses over broken yellow line to pass slower moving southbound semi-truck. Lots of highway to spare.

Red Jeep Cherokee shoulder to shoulder with southbound semi-truck.
White Car With Lights On eating up the open highway.

Red Jeep Cherokee shoulder to shoulder with southbound semi-truck.
White Car With Lights On closing the distance.

Red Jeep Cherokee shoulder to shoulder with southbound semi-truck.
Shoulder to shoulder.

Confusion. Time slows, time alters. 

Red Jeep Cherokee notices all the fine details of the moment; the light on the tips of the sagebrush, the rolling landscape, the other drivers, wondering what is going through their minds, thankful that no one is laying on horns and adding to the tension of the moment, deep confusion as to why the Red Jeep Cherokee is unable to get around the southbound semi-truck.

 The curiosity that the brain can take in so much in a flash of a moment. The complex thoughts that race and circle the brain. The realization that this may be how a life ends, in a split second of bad decision. Confusion - there was so much time and distance. Regret, children, life yet to be lived, more confusion. 

Firm decision to commit. Pedal all the way on the floor.
Pedal all the way to the floor.

Red Jeep Cherokee still shoulder to shoulder with southbound semi-truck.

White Car With Lights On devouring the distance.
White Car With Lights On destroying the distance. 
White Car With Lights On feeling confusion.

Red Jeep Cherokee not passing southbound semi-truck.
Red Jeep Cherokee engine revving, whining hard, engine screaming.
Red Jeep Cherokee knows impact won’t hurt at this speed, it will be over in a nano second. 

Red Jeep Cherokee wonders if this is how it was for Ben and Tammy in a head-on going Northbound on the same highway 30 years ago.

White Car With Lights On
White Car With Lights On
White Car With Lights On

Red Jeep Cherokee quick glance to the right, ass-end parallel to front of southbound semi-truck.
Red Jeep Cherokee pulls hard over into the right hand lane. Hauling, dragging, heaving her ass inches in front of the southbound semi-truck.

Red Jeep Cherokee five car lengths before exploding particles.
Red Jeep Cherokee five car lengths before the Big Bang.
Red Jeep Cherokee five car lengths before motherless children.

Red Jeep Cherokee
Five car lengths 

Red Jeep Cherokee – get it to-fucking-gether.

Red Jeep Cherokee
Red Jeep Cherokee
Red Jeep Cherokee

Gulping sobs
Five fucking car lengths.

Red Jeep Cherokee
Red Jeep Cherokee
Red Jeep Cherokee

Goldendale, Washington

Goldendale, Washington

Epilogue:
Lying in bed seven days post Big Bang, wondering how to gather all my particles back.
Scattered, not whole, maybe I am put back together differently? 

Wondering about parallel Universes.
Am I light and floating particles there?
Are there motherless children there? 
Is there screaming of sirens? Chaotic noise so loud it becomes quiet and muffled by the dying?
Are there red and white torn, ripped, mangled metal pieces strewn along a highway winding through sagebrush?
Is there an insurance company paying out hundreds of thousands to shocked and bereaved family?
Are there prayers of forgiveness from an exploding ball of light?
Are there prayers of forgiveness from a woman in a Red Jeep Cherokee on her long way home?

Are there prayers? 
Are they enough?
Prayers?

Red Jeep Cherokee’s Note:
Automatic drive engine slipped accidently into “low”. Whining, screaming engine was doing all it could to over-take southbound semi-truck.

Wondering if there was some help hauling, dragging, guiding my ass-end around - thirty miles outside of Goldendale, Washington on a beautiful Spring evening.

Further down Hwy 97 coming into Mt Shasta

Further down Hwy 97 coming into Mt Shasta

She Rides a Freakin" Crocodile!

Learning so much about Akhilandeshwari - the Goddess of Never Not Broken. The more I learn, the more I love her!

She rides a freakin' Crocodile!!!!! Crocodile represents the primordial mother. From Kim Krans, “The crocodile reminds us to step back from the external world and turn inward… This doesn’t mean lying around hoping life’s challenges will disappear… the crocodile is much smarter than that. It means intentionally withdrawing, gathering awareness, observing and building energy. Fill up the vital reserves so your next move comes from a place of wisdom and power.”
How perfect is that! Falling more in-love with this Goddess each moment!

AND her son is Ganesh - The Remover of Obstacles!

Goddess of Never Not Broken

Goddess of Never Not Broken

 

She so inspires me; she feels like a perfect Goddess for this "time out of time".

I feel deeply drawn to her and am currently creating an on-line Intentional Creativity workshop around her wisdom. 

I am drawn to the Never Not Broken Goddess for several reasons. One, she says that I am never not broken. OK, so I am broken. There’s a freedom in that. I can unclench my jaws and stop wrestling the crocodile. I can grieve for not being whole or perfect, and let go of the internal pressure of having to be ‘not flawed’. The grief becomes an exquisite gulping sob at seeing my fierce beauty for the first time. It is deep unconditional love and acceptance.

Another reason and perhaps more powerful, is the amazing potential in the place of broken - the place between ‘what was’ and ‘what is’. Incubating in our primordial goo just as the caterpillar does before emerging as a butterfly. If we can sit with ourselves in moments like NOW (in this “time out of time”) and breathe, if we can trust and take the time to dig around in our primordial sandbox, we just may find our magic, wisdom, jewels, muse, inspiration, or our greatest gift – our own love. 

…On the back of an ancient horse, pomegranate juice running down her thigh… She enters a Time out of Time.

…On the back of an ancient horse, pomegranate juice running down her thigh… She enters a Time out of Time.

The Never Not Broken Goddess hangs out in those places. That’s her specialty! She is the raspy voice that calls from the dark alley of our soul, “hey, I got what you crave”. She is at home in the goo and in the dark of night. She can help us find the courage and peace within, to stop wrestling the crocodile and instead ride on her back traveling down the river of our own potential. 

Curious about this powerful transformative Goddess? Check out this article by Laura Amazzone.

“When we remember the unlimited space behind our brokenness, we re-member, we piece back together the broken shards of our lives to form new patterns and ways of being. The journey that unfolds once She releases us from Her jaws is deep, mysterious, soul affirming and often intensely creative. Remember She is an emanation of Saraswati. She is a Goddess of Spiritual Knowledge and all the Arts. She will support us in all our creations.
Although She is fierce, Akhilandeshwari is not to be feared. She will give us the gift of our unlimited potential. She teaches us to be compassionate with our self and the world.”
— Laura Amazzone
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A Shelter in Place trip to Greece

I am sitting in my studio on a rainy morning in California with an order to Shelter in Place, longing for the warm Spanish sun, the wild witchy threshing floor, and the freedom to roam the Alpujaras in search of adventure.

I don’t mind the call to Shelter in Place, to protect those most vulnerable, to help slow the spread of coronavirus and give our Health Care Systems a fighting chance to move through this Pandemic with some semblance of grace.

I just canceled my July 2020 retreat on the Divine Feminine in Spain, and I am looking at canceling my travel to Europe altogether this Summer. Working as a school nurse allows me Summer’s off to travel abroad. I like to pretend I live in Europe and only return to the States to work during the school year. This reframing of thinking, allows me to fulfill a life long dream to live in Europe. This plan helps keep the dream alive until I am ready and able to make it a full-time dream.

During the financial crisis of 2007, people suggested “staycations” since no one had extra money for travel. My family and I decided to spend the summer in Italy. We pretended we lived in Italy. We spoke with Italian accents - since we didn’t know Italian. We said “Caio Bella” and “Mamma Mia” a lot. We dragged the dinning table out into the front yard and dined al fresco. We experimented with Italian cuisine. We hung an Italian flag above our house and learned which of our neighbors had Italian ancestry. We even hosted an Italian car race. The kids made Italian race-cars out of cardboard boxes, and we all raced them up and down the street.

Italian Car Race

Italian Car Race

Interestingly, “living in Italy” changed me. I was happier, I felt exotic even. I know that may seem silly, but I liked who I was as a European. I even began to dress better. I went from feeling like a tired mom of young children, to an interesting, exotic, sensual mother of two. I woke up each morning excited and had more energy. I saw the world differently. I felt I was living an adventure.

I’ve been reading the book The Art of Pilgrimage by Phil Cousineau, in preparation for my now canceled Spain Retreat. His words are poetic and thought provoking. We can even look at transforming our Shelter in Place as a pilgrimage.

“I am convinced that pilgrimage is still a bona fide metaphor for any journey with purpose of finding something that matters deeply to the traveler. With a deepening of focus, keen preparation, attention to the path below our feet, and respect for the destination at hand, it is possible to transform even the most ordinary trip into a sacred journey, a pilgrimage.” -Phil Cousineau

Perhaps, it is time for a staycation, without the in-person social contacts. I am thinking Greece might be a nice place to go. Might be time to watch Mamma Mia again. I think I have seen this movie 20 times, I love it - Of course in my fantasy I am Donna - aka Merrel Streep. Have you seen the PBS The Durrells in Corfu? That’s a great one! I want to live in their house on Corfu. My Big Fat Greek Wedding or My Life in Ruins, both are light and fun. And, one of my most favorite movies of all time, Shirley Valentine (Wall, what do you think?).

Mamma Mia here we go again…

Mamma Mia here we go again…

And so, It is time to fly my Greek flag, play some greek folk music, make moussaka and greek salad, finished off with a little ouzo, and begin this next sacred pilgrimage!

χαρουμενα ΤΑΞΙΔΙΑ!
"Happy Travels"

Time out of Time

Backpacks filled with empty water bottles, the faint smell of Café con leche seeping from our pores, we leave our trusty four legged/wheeled steed in the shade of the village church, and enter a “Time out of Time”.

Following an ancient dirt track, we make our way towards a natural spring. A place where effervescent, mineral rich water bubbles from the earth. The local villagers still come down to collect this alive water as their ancestors once did hundreds of years ago – probably thousands. 

This area is rich in Moorish history. The Moors built acequia’s or terraces, throughout the Alpujarras. Capturing the fresh snow-melt from the mountain tops to irrigate this arid terrain. Olive, Lemon and Orange trees grow lush in the surprisingly verdant landscape, thanks to the engineering mastery of the Moors over 1,200 years ago. The soothing sound of running water is everywhere in the Alpujarra’s.

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Languishing in the shade, we fill our many empty water bottles, with the sparkling elixir, and drink until we are drunk on minerals and bubbles. Troubles and worries begin to drop away. There is something almost magical about sitting by this ancient spring. Clearly, it has had a soothing effect on our beings. 

A gentle wind, smelling of sun-heated dried grasses, spicy eucalyptus, and stories from long ago, remind us of our destination - the small village of Atalbeitar. And so, we make our way back out onto the hot and dusty path.

I know what is coming up, for I traveled this path two years ago. I feel excitement as we make our way towards the Era del Trance, an ancient threshing floor. It is a large outcrop where the wind once helped winnow the chaff from the grain. 

I love this bit of history, and I love imaging the community gathering in celebration to bring in the harvest. But that isn’t why I feel excited. I feel excited, for the local folk-lore says that “witches” gather here at night. That they fly in on brooms with their familiar’s perched behind them. It is supposed to be a scary story and a place to avoid at night. But of course for me, I want to know these witches, these wise women who gathered. 

I imagine them just like me and my circle of wise women friends - who laugh and cackle, share our wisdom and heart-break, gather healing herbs for our families, and maybe spin tall tales…  
…tall tales, that might keep the Era to themselves under the light of the full moon. 

I want to know THESE women!

So, as we enter the Era del Trance, we give thanks, sing, dance and chant to our sisters of old… who maybe… were just like us! 

With temperatures building, it is hard to linger long on the Era. Fortified with the magic of witches, we continue toward the hill town.

Things are getting a bit wobbly. The air has taken on a thick quality, and not from the heat, but something different. Guided by some internal magic or delirium, Alice - who knows these mountains, takes us on a “wrong” path.

As we continue to climb, the trail gets narrower and more over grown. Before we realize our “mistake” we cross a veil. We enter a time out of time. I am not really sure how to explain it, but time has shifted – and we all feel it. 

We hear the unmistakable sound of a large waterfall. The wind picks up, funneling cool moist air down the trail to meet us. No longer dragging from the heat, we run to meet the moist air head-on. Laughing and delighting, we rip off shoes and packs, and drench ourselves in the iron rich waters pouring over a precipice meters above. 

The iron rich water has stained the rocks an orangey-red-brown. Rust being too bland a word to describe the color. Lush emerald ferns cling to the sides of the waterfall. Long roots hang from the heavens dripping with water.

And the smell… the smell of iron fills the air. I am reminded that iron comes from deep within the earth, the stars above, and pulses through our own blood – making us and this place - heaven and earth. 

In this sacred grotto, we all enter our own internal place of meditation and ecstasy. One of us is tattooing herself with the rich iron mud from under the emerald colored ferns. Another is sitting in graceful meditation on the rocks, gently receiving the healing spray of the waterfall. Another is standing directly under the flow of mineral rich water meters above, with the roar of the falls echoing through her body. 

When we played to our fill, one by one, we left the grotto and wandered back down the path, crossing back through the veil, and meeting at the fork in the path where we had taken the “wrong” turn. 

We all questioned if that all really happened - It had that kind of quality to it. We had entered a sacred space and we weren’t entirely sure, that if we came back tomorrow, that the path to the waterfall would actually be there. 

A time out of time…

A sacred place...

and

eventually

we did make our way to Atalbeitar.